The Confidence Trap: Why Kids Need to Notice What’s Going Right
One of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to help kids grow is focusing too much on what needs improvement.
We remind them to practice more. We point out mistakes. We encourage them to work harder. While all those things can be helpful, there is something equally important that often gets overlooked:
Kids need opportunity to notice what they’re already doing well.
Many children move through their day collecting evidence of what went wrong. (Grown-ups too!) They remember the math question they missed, the soccer goal they didn’t score, or the friend who didn’t want to play. Their brains naturally pay attention to problems because that’s how humans are wired. (I know I am!)
The challenge is that when kids only notice what’s wrong, they can begin to believe they’re not capable, successful, or good enough.
Confidence doesn’t grow from perfection.
Confidence grows from recognizing progress. At least this is what I’ve witnessed during my 20 years of working with kids.
When children learn to notice their small wins, they begin building a more balanced picture of themselves. They start seeing evidence that they are learning, growing, trying, and succeeding in many ways every day.
One simple strategy families can use is asking this question each evening:
“What is one thing you’re proud of today?”
The answer doesn’t need to be big.
Maybe they tried something new.
Maybe they helped a friend.
Maybe they kept going when something felt difficult.
Maybe they remembered to use a coping strategy when they felt frustrated.
These moments matter.
Another fun activity is creating a Brave Moments Jar. Keep a jar in a common area and encourage family members to write down moments when they showed courage, kindness, effort, or persistence. Over time, the jar becomes a powerful reminder that growth is happening, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Then once a month sit together and go through them. This is a wonderful opportunity to build connection.
This Week’s Family Challenge
At dinner, bedtime, or during your drive home, have each family member share one thing they felt proud of that day. (This includes caregivers too!)
Not the biggest accomplishment.
Not the perfect moment.
Just one small win.
You may be surprised how quickly kids begin looking for positive evidence about themselves.
And when children learn to notice what’s going right, confidence starts to grow naturally from the inside out.
For more emotional wellness tools for families, parenting resources, and information about my books, visit
Together, we can help kids build confidence, resilience, and a strong inner voice that supports them for life.
Until next time…